The fear of being perceived

One day I had this idea that I wanted to start my own blog. Then, I continued to get in my own way for three years. I had to learn wordpress and make a logo and design everything and figure out what I wanted to say.

But if I’m being honest with myself, none of that stuff was actually a barrier to me. I was really afraid of being seen. The fear of being perceived. It’s been with me my whole life. From my shy middle school years when I wrote secret poems about my crushes that I would be mortified if anyone read, to my overthought social media presence where the idea of people seeing something I post is so overwhelming I just post nothing. If I write something and share it, anyone could see it from friends to ex-friends and coworkers to future bosses. That thought is so incredibly debilitating that I have filled my camera roll with thousands of photos no one has ever seen and filled notebooks with words no one has ever read.

I know what I create isn’t perfect and that people will see it and notice flaws. I know people are writing and taking pictures and their stuff is better than mine. I know that being invisible and losing touch and being forgotten is a secure way to not make waves. But it also means I’m not making an impact. It means my words and ideas are bottled up inside me and instead of adding to others lives, I am passively watching them pass by.